The True Zelda part 1
by xpNc
Summary: Nintendo found a story of a boy named Link...they told the heroic things...I'm telling the rest!When You review, tell me which chapter was the funniest! It'll help with number 2!
1. The awakening then the sleepening

**Welcome to the real world. What Nintendo left out, I put in. You've played all the zelda games right? And you think you know all the story? Well you don't. This is what really happened.**

* * *

_**PROLOGUE**_

Our story takes place in a forest known as Kokori Forest.

"NAVI!"said a tree

"what?"

"That's the ninth person you've gone on an adventure with that died!"

"Your point?"

"THAT'S UNACCEPTIBLE!"

"and what are you gonna do about it?"

"I'm_ " gonna" _asign you to a non-kokori named link!"

* * *

**Our story _technically _starts right here... So enjoy the rest!**

"Link..." I heard a lyrical voice...

"Link..." there it was again...

"LINK!" oh it was just Saria... No fairy... AGAIN!

"What took you so long to wake up Link?"

"I was just dreaming about an adventure with a fairy..." I replied

"Dreaming won't get you anywhere!"

"I know... and I'm wondering... why did you wake me up?" I asked

"Because today is the huge Kokori forest party in the middle of the village!"

"Really?" I asked in surprise

"Ya! and it's starting reeeeeeeeally soon!"

"Well what's taking us so long"

"IT TOOK ME 2 HOURS TO WAKE YOU UP!"

"Ooohhhh... Whoopsie..."

"NOW LET'S GET GOING!"

"Righto."

So they both walked for around 15 minutes. Link, being the lazy ass that he is, fell asleep and Saria left him on the ground. He woke up 8 hours later and walked back to his "house" (Which really is just a hut on a tree) Stuck his head out his window and started to cry (what do you expect? He's only 12). Then jumped on his bed (affectionanly made out of... straw and sticks) and fell asleep...again. Meanwhile a partictular fariy was fighting with his boss...

"Noooooooooo way dude."

"You have to, live with it."

"NEVER!"

"SHOOT HIM!"

An army of over a thousand fairies came out of no where, all cocking there guns

"Don't make me tell them to shoot you again. 'Cause they will."

"Ehha... So...um...where does this Link live?"

"Kokori forest."

"But you said-"

"He doesn't know he's non-kokori!"

"Kay..."

"NOW GO!"

"Sir yes Sir!"

So Navi flew as fast as her little wings could carry her (which wasn't ery fast mind you) to Kokori village. She looked all around untill she saw a boy without a fairy...and a poofy green hat.

"Kid, wake up."

"Zzzz...Go to hell Saria..."

"Saria, SARIA! WHO THE HELL IS SARIA!"

"Wha-What!"

"Kid, it's me your fairy."

"WOW I HAVE A FAIRY!" I screamed."I HAVE TO TELL SARIA!"

"Kid, we've got more important stuff to do."

"How so?"

"The Deku tree wanted to talk to you"

"A tree?"

"Not _a _tree, The _deku _tree!"

"Kay..."

"This is gonna be a loooooooooooooong life..."


	2. The really short chapter

**I forgot to say in the first chapter, I own nothing Zelda, All characters expressed herein (unless OCs) are copywritten to nintendo and are not mine. And for some confused people, Navi is actually a girl. Just wanted to clear that up. **

**

* * *

**"Sooooo... you're trying to tell me that a tree wants to talk to me."

"Wha's so far-fetched about that?"

"Hmmmm... maybe the fact THAT TREES CAN'T TALK!"

"How would you know?"

"Well, For starters I LIVE IN A FOREST!"

"And?"

"I'VE BEEN SURROUNDED BY TREES ALL MY LIFE!"

"Uh-huh..."she said."Let's just go to the Deku tree."

"Ya know what? FINE!"

"Sweeeeet. That was easier then that last kid."

"Last...kid?"

"Oh...um...forget I even said that..."

"Said what?"

"Good job."

So they walked to the edge of he village, which would usaully only take 20 minutes tops; but Link fell asleep...Thrice (three times for you idiots) so it took them an hour. Bored out of her mind, Navi drew all over Link's face; With a permanent marker. Link woke up and attempted to attack Navi, But Navi used some magic to hold him still. They did this for 15 minutes before they realized that they were at the kokori/forbidden forest gate.

"I'm sorry Link, I can't let you in without a shield."said some random guard.

"NAVI , I COMMAND YOU TO DESTROY HIM!"

"Ummm... How about "no",".She said."Link, we could just _buy _a shield instead of threatning this guard."

"We could, but that's no fun."

"Oh well. Anywhoo...you look like a loaded kid; How much rupees ya got?"

"I dunno. Probably...zero."

"WHAT THE HELL! YOU DON'T HAVE ANY RUPEES AT ALL!"

"Guess not."

"Kay... follow me to the stupid shield place."she commanded."I have a plan."

* * *

**Kay... So this chapter is unbelievably short but It's only so I'll have a cliff hanger. So, to fill up the rest of the chapter... Peanut butter jelly time ****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly time****Peanut butter jelly  
**


	3. The story's actually going somewhere

**Okay. To make up for chapter two, this chapter is gonna be extra long . And I don't own any Zelda copyrights and crap.

* * *

**

"Now Link, where is this shield place?" 

"Hell if I know."

"Kay..." she said. "Let's go searching for a map."

They walked around for 15 minutes, and Navi kept poking the currently braindead Link, for they had passed a map seller 8 times.

"TINGLE TINGLE KOLOO...LIMPAH!"

"Wow!" I said. "That was amazing!"

"Never do that again lest I inflictmy wrath upon your green-fucked-up-screwed-beady-little-midget-sized-body," Navi threatened coldly.

"TINGLE TINGLE KOLOO...LIMPAH!"

"Destroy." said Navi monotone-ly.

**THE FOLLOWING SCENE HAS BEEN CENSORED BY THE FCC DUE TO EXTREME VIOLENCE BLOOD AND GORE AND NUDITY. WAIT, TAKE AWAY THE LAST ONE.**

"Stupid FCC, YOU DIE NOW!" I screamed.

Link pulled out what seemed to be a primitive bazooka. It launched a bombchu into an FCC agent. Navi then brutally murdered Tingle without any expression and took all the maps. They soon found the shield shop.

"How may I help you?" the shop owner asked.

"We need a shield," I said. "Preferably that one." Link pointed at one labelled 'Hero's Shield'.

"Do you have a lot of rupees?" the owner asked.

"No," I replied.

"Then you don't get it."

Link nodded at Navi who pulled out a primitive pistol and aimed it at the shop owner's head. "Gimme the shield!" she said in a drunken phyco tone. The shop owner handed Link the shield, but Navi shot him anyway. "My finger slipped!" Navi said in defense.

They proceeded back to the guard, but they got lost because Link got hungry and ate the maps. They ended up in a bed shop, where Link slept for 6 hours. Navi eventually woke him up by stealing his bazooka which exploded.

They finally made it back to the guard.

"We have a shield," I said.

"The fairy doesn't have a shield," the guard said and I threw the shield at his face which knocked him out.

"Good thinking," the fairy said and they proceeded.

Although Navi did need a shield since on the path was a gibdo with a machine gun. They ran away but not before Link threw a bombchu which blew up at the gibdo's feet.

"Let's find you a shield," I said, completely ignoring the fact that the gibdo was dead.

They found the shield shop but it was closed down and boarded up because the owner was dead. So they got lost again and Link decided to go home and play a primitive Xbox.

"We have to go though!" Navi complained

"So we do." I said bluntley.

"You don't even care do you?"

"I don't really find talking to a tree very exciting."

"Good point..."

"Now shut up. I'm on level 12 of primitive Halo 2."

"Oooohh...can we play co-op?"

"Sure!" I replied

So they played primitive Halo 2 for the entire day...untill Navi shot the screen on the primitive TV.

"Good job ya stupid Fairy!"

"LINK HOLY CRAP WE'RE FOUR HOURS LATE!"

"For what?" I said blankly

"You're oblivious..."

"?" was my only reply

"Do the words "Deku tree" remind you of anything?"

"Not-uh."

"Awhh man... The tree said he was dying..."

"Navi, we've been through this, TREES CAN'T TALK!"

"Let's just past the gate."

"Kay..." I said without expression as I just fixed the TV. "Don't you need a shield though?"

"I'll just hide in your hat."

* * *


	4. Death, Dismemberment, Mario, sword

**I can't take full credit for that last chapter. Another author (Mr. Light Chicken Bulbs) Did some of it to.

* * *

**"My hat?" I asked in surprise.

"DUR!"

"You don't need to be so rude about it..."

"Yes I do."

"Look, can we just leave?"

Navi flew thousands of times faster then Link could walk. So fast, that Navi went to the future. She wound up in the times after people would fight with swords. So we won't be seeing Navi for a while.

"Navi? NAVI! Ahhww fuck. So...Umm...now where do I go?"

Of course Link had no idea where the hell he was going, So he went to Saria's house.

"SARIA!" I screamed ", Where is she?"

_**KNOCK KNOCK**_

"GASP What if she's in trouble!" I said "I have to save her!"

**_CAREACK_** "SARIA!"

kiss smooch

"Kiss me Mido,"

"MIDO!"I screamed. "SARIA YOU LOVE MIDO?"

kiss smooch

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Must end life now!"

So Link (who did not have a sword at the moment) tried to pummel himself with his shield...Untill he realized that he could just smack Mido over the head.

**FWACK**

And Mido was out cold.

**MEANWHILE, WHERE EVER NAVI IS...**

"Hello?"

"Yes-a?..."

"Who are you?"

"it's-a me Mario!"

"Mario...uh-oh..." she said "I haven't seen you since super smash brothers melee..."

"Why-a didn't you-a call..a?"

"Hmmm...Maybe cause I hate you."

"Oh-a. That-a make-sa sense-sa"

"Luigi!" he screamed "Get-a over here!"

"But I'm-a making spaggheti!"

"Excuses...Excuses.."

"Uh-huh...can I please leave now?"

"How-a?" Mario & Luigi both said in unison.

"I dunno... Gotta time machine?"

"Time-a chine-a?"

"Nooooo...Time machine."

"No-a."

"Sorry-a"

"Hate you."

**BACK TO LINK'S STORY**

"LINK! WHAT THE FUCK! WHY DID YOU DO THAT!"

"Sorry Saria...It's just that ummm..."

"What?"

"I ummm l-l-l-..."

"Yes?"

"SariaIloveyou!" I said really fast

"Guess what? YOU JUST BLEW YOUR CHANCE BUCKO!"

"How-"

"Me and Mido were breaking up!"she replied "That was our last kiss!"

"DAMMIT!" I cursed loudly

"But now... I might get together with Mido again."

By this time; Link had already fwack-ed Mido forty-two more times over the head with his shield and Mido was bleeding out of his (Extremely large) ears. "Can we just get to the part with the sword? Swords make guys hot." Saria asked

"Ya, make me hot!" I said

FINE! Then after two hours, Link and Saria found the Gate out of town.

RUMBLE

"Huh?" I asked

RUMBLE

"I think it's a-" Saria got cut off, as a boulder flew out of the sky.

"RUN!"

So they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran and they ran-

"HEY! No more fillers!" I said. "Wait; Saria look at that!"

"Wow.."

"I'm gonna grab it!"

"Ok!"

CHING CHING

_**DA-NA-NA-NA**_

You got: THE KOKORI SWORD!

* * *


	5. Deku Diary

**They say that all shall be saved by a hero. Make note this is NOT him

* * *

**

"So...now what" 

"How am I supposed to know Link? You do have the player's guide!"

"OH YAH!...So, apperantly now i can convince Mido to let me go to the Deku tree."

"Isn't Mido dead?"

"Yah, so this shouldn't take too long."

"Huh."

* * *

MEANWHILE, IN MUSHROOM KINGDOM 

"NAVI! GET-A BACK HERE!"

"How 'bout...NO!"

"But I found a time-a-chine"

"What in the hell is a time-a-chine?"

"What yoy asked for earlier!"

"I SAID TIME MACHINE!"

"That's what I said, time-a-chine!"

"Wow, you're worse then Link!"

* * *

BACK IN KOKIRI FOREST 

So Link and Saria went to go travel to the Deku tree untill they were stopped by a Deku Baba.

"EAT STEEL YOU STUPID BABA!"

"Um...Link?"

"Ya Saria?"

"You didn't even use your sword- you just hit him with a stick."

"So?"

"Sticks aren't made of steel."

"They aren't?"

"No, but your sword is."

"Kay, I'll use the sword."

SLICE CUT STAB MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"Umm...overkill, much?"

"Hey, it gave me rupees!"

"Whoa...really?"

"Ya!"

"Gimme."

"huh-"

Before Link could finish, Saria had already stole of of Link's rupees and spent them on deku shields.

"How the hell- that was only 1 rupee!"

"I intimidated the shop-keep."

"Uh-huh. Wait, is that the Deku tree?"

They approached the grey tree that was there.

"Hello 'Deku Tree'," I said suspiciously. The tree said nothing, for the GDT was long dead. "Ha! I told Navi trees couldn't talk." Link looked at the strategy guide. "Now I just have to get a Kokiri Emerald."

"Link, a parasite thing just stole the stone and broke a hole in the side of the tree, running in."

Link's eye twitched. "Dammit!" I yelled before stealing a Deku Shield and throwing his old one at Saria and running in. It took about two minutes before realizing his old one was better.

Link saw a web in the middle of the tree. He made note to avoid it. Navi suddenly appeared from no where, causing him to fall into it. He realized it was an illusion and felldown the pit. The Dekus had drunk all the water, causing him to fall head first. Link's head exploded on impact.

Navi took out a cell phone. "Fred, I need help." She made no note to Luigi, who had followed her, and was running around throwing bombs.

After Fred the fairy arrived, he healed Link. "Hey, why am I getting smaller? Oh no! NOOOooooo... ..."

"Rest in peace Fred," Navi said.

"I'm still here, just microscopic!" a squeaky voice said.

Link eventually got really bored and got out of the Deku Tree, setting it on fire like a pyromanic.

Gohma walked out with a travelling hat and a suitcase. "Wow, I got out in time," she said.

Navi flew out of the tree just before it all collapsed. She was about to comment when a chest fell on her.

"Can I have the emerald?"

"Sure, I only took it because I thought it was etable. Boy was I wrong."

Gohma then left, not even having to fight Link.

Link walked over to the chest and opened it up, expceting some awesome mega powered gun. Instead he found a book.

"That looks like the Deku Tree's diary," Navi, who got out when Link burned the chest too, said.

Link opened it. "I have to tell a few secrets before I die," I read. "First off, the Kokiri Emerald was actually stolen from a guy on a black horse. He demanded it back, saying it was an heirloom, then cursed me. Said his name was Ganondork, or something like that. Second, I've been gay for that deku baba guarding me for about twenty years. Third, Link better go to Hyrule Castle and talk to the princess there, and get my laundry back from the dry cleaners. Lastly, It was me who launched that flaming boulder at Link's house last summer. I couldn't resist. THAT BASTARD!"

"Maybe we should pay attention to the third one," Navi pointed out.

"Good idea!"

They were at the dry cleaners. "This isn't what I meant!"

"Then what did you mean?"

"THE CASTLE ONE!"

They went to exit the forest when Luigi appeared with star power and was plowing over the Kokiri. Link took a short cut by dressing up as a scuba diver and going to the Zora river, before falling in the water and being washed into Hyrule Field, where Kaepora Gaebora was, yet at a different entrance.

"Note, avoid the owl," I muttered.


	6. Link: The hero of crime

**In this story, It tells the legend of Link the hero of time. Nintendo has fabricated that story so Link was a kindhearted person. BAH! Link was actually some pissed off kid with anger managment problems and the ability to break the laws of physics.**

* * *

"Hi there you stupid owl!"

"Hoot."

"What's your name?"

"Hoot Kaepora Gaebora Hoot."

"What in the hell kinda name is that? In fact, I think I shall call you Kae-Gae. It's a lot easier to pronounce. So...according to my player's guide."I said "You are supposed to tell me what I have to do, but you are supposed to be in front of the lost woods entrance!"

Just then Saria came running at Link screaming "LINK, LIIIIIIIIIIINK!"

Of course, Link thought Saria had come running at him because she wants them to be together, so Link prepared to give her a hug.

"LET GO OF ME!"

"Huh?"

"I came here because I forgot to give you this! And you forgot to take this from the Deku Tree."

"What exactly are you giving me? (I hope it's a kiss!)"

""Close your eyes and hold out your hands!"

**_DA-NA-NA-NA! YOU GOT THE FAIRY OCARINA & SLINGSHOT!_**

"Oh, goody. Some crap instrument and a dinky slingshot. How the hell do you even play this thing?"

Link attempted to play the ocarina and somehow played a song which made his head explode

"FRED GET OVER HERE" Navi screamed

"I am over here."

"Where are you!"

"Under Link's foot."

"I see...Heal him."

"I can't I'm out of magic..."

"LOOK BUB, THIS GUY IS GONNA SAVE HYRULE AND ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS YOUR LACK OF MAGIC! WELL I HOPE THAT GANONDORK KILLS YOU WHEN HE TAKES OVER SEVEN YEARS FROM NOW!"

"How do you know all of this?"

"Player's Guide"

"Ahh."

"SO HEAL HEAL HEAL!'

"MA'AM YES MA'AM!"

"That's what I like to hear"

So Fred healed Link to the best of his ability. Link had realized that he had only beaten the first dungeon and he has already died twice, he was ashamed, so dicided to play the blues on the crap Ocarina that Saria had given him. Of course he some how blew up some random person in Hyrule castle town and you could hear people screaming from the city.

"Sweeeeet. My crap Ocarinacan kill people."

"Now try out your slingshot!" demanded Saria

So Link aimed for that stupid bird thatcrapped on his house awhile back and hit it dead on.

"**SCKWACK!**"

"DIE DIE DIE MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Um...Link?" said Navi

"WHAT!"

"Your kinda outta Deku nuts for the slingshot. In fact you didn't even have some in the first place. How you killed that bird is a break in the laws of physics."

"SCREW PHYSICS!" I said as I managed to kill fourteen other birds without any Deku nuts. "THIS IS FUN, THANKS SARIA!"

"My birds...my precious birds...LINK YOU SON OF A BITCH! I HOPE YOU DIE!" screamed Saria

"I NOT DIE UNLESS YOU MAKE ME! WE SHALL DO BATTLE ON THE 'MORROW!

"Whatever"


	7. The break in

**ONE DAY LATER

* * *

**

"You die NOW Saria!" 

"Bring it on."

"HOLD IT!" screamed Navi. "Link gimme the god damn player's guide...Hm...Saria, your now allowed to kill Link"

"HEY DON'T JUST ASSUME THAT SHE WOULD BEAT ME!"

""C'mon Link, we both know that I am skilled in the deadly arts of Tai-Mai-Shu."

"Tie my shoe?"

"That's what I said, Tai Mai Shu."

"ANYHOO" Navi said quite loudly "We need to go to the castle."

"Can Saria come? She can use her Tie My shoe ninja skills."

To demonstrate her amazing skills, she stole a deku stick and cut a random guy in half.

"I don't know, but I do know night's coming, so we're in trouble," Navi said.

"Why?"

To answer Link's question, two Stalchildren burst from the ground. Link and Navi turned to see a dust cloud where Saria was standing before. Link screamed and ran toward the castle. As he was running the Stalchildren sat down. "I just wanted him to be my friend," one cried. "Why do they always run?"

"Have you looked in the mirror lately?"

"What's a mirror?"

"It's some complex word for reversirating glass."

"Oh."

Link sat under the spot where the drawbridge came for the rest of the night. As it came down, Link stuck his head out and the rest of his body was crushed, causing everything to go to his head and for his head to explode.

"Fred! Get over here!"

Later, Navi and Link were in castle town."Now what?" Link asked.

"The castle!" Navi yelled back.

Link went up to the castle and saw a girl singing. The singing caused his head to explode. After another healing from Fred, Link had died four times without ever losing health.

"Why are you singing?" Link asked.

"Why are you dressed weird?"

"I asked first!"

"Iasked second!"

"So? The first question here was from my mouth, directed at you so your are fully expected to answer it first," Link said.

"Where'd you learn words like those?" Navi asked.

"I don't know, I just read off a cue card I picked up."

"Kay..." Navi replied "Anyway, according to your player's guide, this is Malon and she's supposed to give you a cucco to wake up her dad."

"Wow, how did you know that?" asked Malon

"YOU RETARD ARE YOU DEAF! I SAID A PLAYER'S GUIDE!"

"sorry..."

"Fugging Arsehole."

"It's fairy for fuc-" before Navi could finish a guard noticed Link, Saria, Navi and Malon standing there. He was about to talk to them but looked at them to realize that there was a fairy yelling at a girl that owned the Lon-Lon ranch hanging out with a Hylian and a Kokiri so he backed away slowly.

"All right" said Link "It's time to break into the castle...NOW!" With that they formed a stealth attack team, Saria being tthe assassain, Navi being the one who followed Link, Malon waking up her father and Link the distraction. "HEY WHY AM I THE DISTRACTION!"

"Cuz your the stupidest, most moronic of us"

"Ah."

"LET'S MOVE!"

And with that, they were off. Saria did her job- killing the majority of the guards while Link and Navi took care of the rest. Malon woke up her father, who in his sleepy daze was powerful and angry enough to kill moblins. He charged at the walls in there path, killing anyone in his way while Malon was riding on his back, throwing up most of the way. There was one guard left and he sounded the alarm. All of castle town was in panic while the Hylian national guard was in alert. It was a bloody, bloody battle leaving the score to Hylian Guards: 0 Link & friends: 150 000 00. During all of this, princess Zelda just sat their, being traumatized the entire time.

"Navi, who is this princess-child-like guard?" Link asked in pure stupidity

"That'd be Zelda."

"Zelda, eh?"

"Are you from the forest? REALLY? And you have a fairy? REALLY? Does that mean you a green stone? YOU DO?"

"What the hell? I didn't say anything."

"You see that man in there? He just swore alliegiance to my father but I think he's evil. What do you think...Link? Hmm...that's sounds somewhat familliar... anyway, I think that he's after that stone and two more... So I need you to find them. Your going to save Hyrule, okay? Here, it's a note that will give you permission to do anything that involves the kings permission. And whatever you do, don't tell me father about our little secret, Kay?"

"WHAT...THE...FUCK."

"NOW GO GET THOSE STONES LINK!" Zelda screamed "Oh, wait before you go, my assistant will teach you the royal family's song."

"On your ocarina press these notes. > >."

"Huh- > > "

BOOM Link's head exploded.

"Just play the song the RIGHT way."

"O...K...PAIN".


	8. The break in the break in the action

**NOW LINK HAS STARTED HIS QUEST TO GET THE TWO REMAINING SPIRITUAL STONES. WHAT WILL HAPPEN? DON'T ASK ME I'M JUST THE GUY WHO DECIDES WHAT HAPPENS. **

**Note: This Link is a complete and total moron and this story is a parody of the Ocarina of Time just in case you couldn't figure that out

* * *

**

"So Link, It appears you have to find two stones."

"Uh-huh...any clue about the WHEREABOUTS of these stones?"

"Hoooo...I know Link."

"Screw off Kae-Gae."

"LINK HE KNOWS WHERE THE STONES ARE!"

"Ya, and?"

"You are a moron. I wish I killed the Deku tree before I was asigned."

"Fairies get asigned?" asked Saria staring at her fairy, questionalably "Cuz Gator over here told me that there's a 'spiritual bond' that 'draws a fairy' to a kokiri.

"What are you smoking Gator? We have our own union, employee of the month and so on. Um...? Gator?"

"SHUT UP NAVI, THE KOKIRI AREN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT!"

"Oh...Why?"

"CUZ YOU'RE A MORON!"

"Well that doesn't seem like a very good reason..."

"Grr..."

"Now I can't trust you Gator. Go away."

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**And that explains why Saria doesn't have her fairy in the Game after she meets up with Link after he grows up.**

"Jeez Saria Your fairy is fugging loud." Link said in disgust

"Shut up, he ain't mine anymore."

"ANYHOOO Kae-Gae you still there?"

"Hoo.."

"Where the hell are the stones?"

"Hoo...Death Mountain, Zora's Domain...ooH"

"Hm...Can you be a little bit more specific?"

"No."

"I see...then I guess you have to die."

"HooOOO?-" Before he could finish, Link stabbed him in the head the scream was so loud that Link's head exploded.

"There we go," Kae gae said.

"Why aren't you dead?" Navi asked.

"I cannot die until I've met you at every assigned spot, you may possibly find them in the stragegy guide."

Fred healed Link, who yelled, "NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" until his voice box ran out and his head blew up... again.

Fred needed to refill his magic, so he flew into Kokiri forest where they heard: "Hey! Letgo of me! FAIRYNAPPING IN PROGRESS! HELP FAIRY POLICE!"

Fred flew out really fast, holding Gator with three fairy police hot on his wings. Fred threw Gator at Link to heal him, and Gator was sent flying after healing. The three police arrived, and Fred knocked two out and threw the third to Gerudo valley.

"Wow, I never knew you were so strong," Navi said.

"Yep! And I also can eat staplers."

The other four, completely confused, ran away to Death Mountain, or flew to the top in Kae Gae's case.

"So this is death mountain, eh?" Link asked

"Obiously! There's a sign over there that says: 'DEATH MOUNTAIN'!"

"So...that doesn't mean it's death mountain!"

"Who was the 3rd one? Link questioned

"Me." replied Saria

"Eh? You're still here? Does that mean that Malon is still here?"

"Yep"

"Sweet, I got a posse of girls! Hmm...should I invite Zelda? She was pretty hot..."

"HEY!" Saria and Malon said in Unison

"Link, you do realize Zelda speaks out of nowhere, right?" Said Navi

"Ummm...NOT-UH!"

"Why are you defending her?"

"I don't know."

"Shouldn't we be heading to Goron city?"

"Meh, we've walked to much today! Let's have a campfire and roast marshmallows!"

"Yay!" They all said


	9. Dodongo Army assault

**THE NEXT MORNING**

**

* * *

**

"How was I supposed to know that those marshmallows were Stalchilden!"

"Maybe the childish screams gave it away."

"They weren't screaming!"

"Then how come your head exploded?"

"Multiple reasons..."

"Hmm? Name 1."

"The stalchildren were screaming too loud."

"But didn't you just say that they weren't screaming?"

"Look, it was in the past, forget. FORGET!"

During this conversation, Malon and Saria were having a fight to the death over Link, even though Link was hot for Zelda

"You die Malon!"

"I thought you hated Link!"

"Nope. Now I wil kill you!"

"With what?"

"This deku stick and hero's shield!"

"Oh dammi-"

Before she could finish, a goron jumped out of the sky and ate Malon

"Whoopee! No competition! 'Cept Zelda..and Navi..."

"Did that Goron just eat Malon?" asked Link

"Yep!" said Navi grinning

"Hey, now it's chasing a dragon with no feet...STOP!"

Link killed the Goron with his dinky-kokiri sword and the dragon stopped there and stared at Link and bit his head off.

"FRED!" Navi yelled

"um..."

"HEAL LINK!"

"damn."

"NOW YOU ARSEHOLE!"

"fine."

Link, with his newly healed head, ran down the mountain side untill he found Dodongo cavern.

"This place is spooky..." Saria said innocently

"It's okay..I'm he- HOLY CRAP IT'S A BAT!" Screamed Link while Saria stared in disgust

"WWWWHHHHOOOO GGGGOOOOOEEEEEESSSSSS TTTTTTHHHHHHEEEEEERRRRREEEEE" a massive voice called out

"Um...just a couple of Dodongos...living in our cavern...heh-heh" said Link

"LLLLLEEEEEETTTTTT MMMMMEEEEEE SSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE YYYYYYOOOOOOUUUUUUU!"

"No."

"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII AAAAAMMMMMMMMMM YYYYYYYOOOOUUUUURRRRR KKKKKIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!"

"Um...sorry your majesty...but we're hiding from...Gorons?"

"TTTTTHHHHHHEEEEEYYYYY'RRRREEEEEEE HHHHHHEEEEEERRRRRREEEEEEE!"

"Umm...Yes?"

"SODIERS! ATTACK THE GORONS!"

Link walked up to the King Dodongo.

"Hi there...Ummm...creepy dragon guy?"

"YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS?"

"I'm link...and i'll help you kill the gorons... in return ... I want that red rock..."

"OOOOOKKKKKKK!"

"So, I can order your army..?"

"IIIIIINNNNNDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDD."

"Sweet. MEN! GO KILL THE GORONS!"

"SIR YES SIR!"

So all the gorons were killed by the dodongos...except for the Goron leader, Darunia. Link, being irritated to an extreme killed Darunia in one swift movement with his sword."

"GGGGGOOOOOOOODDDDD JJJOOOOOOBBBBBBB!"

"No offense, but can you talk quieter?"

"NNNNNNOOOOOO. BBBUUUUTTT III CCCCAAAANNNN GGGGIIIVVVEEEE YYYYOOOOUUUU TTTHHHEEESSSEEE."

_**DA-NA-NA-NA**_

_**You got the Goron's ruby and Bigdragon sword!**_

"This...swrod...i-is heavy..."

"**I'll **carry it." said Saria, lifting the sword with realitive ease.

"Ok team, now time to get one more sto-"

before he could finish, a rock came and Landed on Link's head, causing it to explode.


	10. The claiming of the Master sword

**THIS COULD QUITE POSSIBLY BE THE LAST CHAPTER OF PART ONE. I MIGHT MAKE AN ELEVENTH, BUT YOUR REVIEWS WILL INSURE WEITHER OR NOT

* * *

** Link, Navi and Saria were heading for Zora's Domian when Kae Gae appeared in front of them.

"We meet again," he said.

However, the three ignored him and kept going. "Oh come on!" Kae Gae begged. "I'll tell you something you don't know!" They ignored him. "Fine, I won't tell you who has the Spiritual Stone."

They stopped and looked at him. "Who has it?" they all said together.

"No, you obviously don't care, so- WAIT! I WAS JUST JOKING!"

They had continued to walk. "Bastards," Kae Gae muttered and flew away.

"So who do you think has the rock?" Navi wondered out loud.

"Keep your thoughts to yourself."

"Shut up Link."

"You shut up!"

"Both you shut up before I cut your heads off with my new sword!"

Before any of them could do anything, a piece of shit that would make you say "Holy shit!" fell from the sky. Saria grabbed Link's Deku Shield and Navi hid beneath it. Link had nothing to protect himself with, so it hit him in the head and made him head explode.

"FRED!"

The Helmaroc King's ancestor circled them and crapped again. It had violent diarrea and kept going for an hour.

They reached the waterfall entrance which Link tried to jump through. The pressure caused him to die. You can guess how.

Fred was getting tired, and tried to get out of earshot of Navi after healing Link.

"Huh...have you noticed there's a triforce marking there Navi?"

"Ya Saria. We might need to play a song of some sort."

" side up side, side up side" OCARINA NOTES

_**DA-NA-NA-NA**_

"Nice!"

"LINK C'MON!"

"pain..."

"Wow, this cave is OH MY GOD FISH PEOPLE!"

"Zora..."

"Huh?"

"I SAID ZORA YOU IDIOT!" screamed some random zora

"I'll save you from the fish people Saria!" Link said with absoluetly no courage at all- in fact I beleive he was FUBAR ('cept the "F" stands for Frightend as opposed to fucked)

As Link starred down the Zora, Saria had already (with the asscisstance of Navi) Killed all of the Zora but 1. The diving place guy.

"Hey Link," she said "I heared that there's a girl about my age hear. According to the Zora I just killed, she's the most beautiful girl in all the land"

"WHOO HOO!" Screamed Link "ANOTHER HOTTIE!"

Saria used her BigDragon sword to stab Link in the head. The end result caused a certain head to explode.

"NOW," Saria screamed "LET'S GO KILL THIS ZORA!"

"Why are we killing it?" asked Link "Are you jealous Saria hehe...?"

"Kiss my hot kokiri ass."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"No, but you would!"

"SHUT UP!" Screamed Navi so loud that it caused Link's head to explode. As Fred ran away at ferocious speed. "Get your ass over here!"

"NEVER!"

"Wait a second..." Link said after getting his head repaired "That fish is massive... I wanna go inside!"

Link ran over to the fish and started stabbing his eye. The fish then opened his mouth and sucked up Link Saria and Navi into it's huge mouth.

"You suck Link."

"Shut up."

Just then Navi looked over and saw a small Zora who was carrying an automatic crossbow (YES I SAID CROSSBOW!) and aimed it at Saria.

"You killed all of my people. For that, YOU MAY NOT PASS!"

(note: I can not be sued by the lord of the rings people because in my opion, The Legend of Zelda takes place before lord of the rings)

Saria then chopped off the head of Ruto, incidentaly cutting off Link's head.

"She has the sapphire!"

"TAKE IT!"

So it was done. Link, Saria and Navi (Fred helped a little) had collected the three sprititual stones. They rushed to Hyrule castle only to find that it had been combusted by Ganondorf and his Stalfos army.

"The fire...I NEED TO TOUCH IT!"

"Link, remember what happened when you were 6?" Saria asked

FLASHBACK

It was the Kokiri new year of 1336/7 and Link walked over to the fire. He looked at it and decided that he was gonna set his deku stick on fire. He did and the end result was the destruction of the entire forest. Link had to live in the lost woods for awhile while the fairies helped the forest with their magic.

Present time (ok, so not PRESENT)

"I SAID I WAS SORRY!" Link said

Just then a horse appeared running real fast.

"Link, take the ocarina of time!"

"No."

"Oh, thank you Link!"

"I SAID NO!"

She threw it and it hit Link in his head, causing Link's head to explode.

After some calling of Fred, Link, Saria and Navi walked over to the temple of time. Link put down the stones while Saria played the song of time. The door opened as the two ran over to the sword that was their. They both lifted it. Then it all went black...for seven years...


End file.
